And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
