Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
