We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
