i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
