I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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