I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
