Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
