my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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