Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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