My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
