A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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