I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
