I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
