Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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