I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
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It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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