i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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