textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
