and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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