I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
