i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
