Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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