Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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