If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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