It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
