You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
