Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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