i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
