i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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