I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
