if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i think i have two assholes
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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