walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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