i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
