I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
