In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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