let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
