Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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