I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
