You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
