Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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