I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
