shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
