dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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