The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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