This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
