I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
