He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
