You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
