i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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