Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
