Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
time to smoke my breakfast
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
