Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's shark week go big or go home
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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