Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
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You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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