K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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