Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
