you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
